As we have successfully killed off another year, and we are now all struggling to return to normal after the Christmas season of traditional overeating and overindulgence, it is time for us to greet the New Year by returning to that most sacred and hallowed temple of masculinity, THE GYM.

Indeed, brothers, this is the Holy of Holies, the inner sanctum, the Hall of Iron, where we sacrifice our blood and sweat for RIGHTEOUS GAINS in the eyes of the IRON GOD.

Unfortunately, this is also January, which is, of course, “gym idiots month”, when the inevitable flood of N00BZ hits the gym for the first two weeks of the year. This is the time of year that gym owners love the most, when people come to join gyms to “get in shape”, whatever that means – and quickly lose patience or interest.

Those of us who properly respect and revere the Temple of Iron, sometimes need a reminder to stay the course – and that it is not sporting to smack some dumbshit upside the head with a barbell because he is doing f***ing CURLS in the SQUAT RACK. Only those who know how to SKWAAT, understand the pain and rage of people like me, who see idiots doing shit like this¹.

Therefore, let us reacquaint ourselves with a blast from the past – THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF THE IRON GOD:

1. I am the Lord of Iron thy God, who brought thee out of the heretical land of Broscience, out of the bondage of body-part split routines. Thou shalt have no other lifting gods before me.

2. Thou shalt not pay attention to the activities of others in the gym, or any girl in yoga pants on the treadmill, or any bros who dishonour Me; thou shalt not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Iron Lord thy God, am a jealous God, visiting the inattention of the lifter upon his joints and tendons even unto the third and fourth subsequent workouts of those who hate Me, but showing mercy and granting strength through the thousand workouts, of those who love Me and keep My Commandments.

3. Thou shalt not CURL IN THE SQUAT RACK, for the Lord of Iron shall not hold him guiltless who CURLETH in the SQUAT RACK.

4. Remember the rest day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou lift and labour all that thou art able, but the seventh day is the rest day of the Lord of Iron thy God. In it thou shalt not lift, so that thy body and mind may have time to recover and pay tribute to the Lord of Iron thy God. For in six days the Lord of Iron thy God did forge the Squat Rack, and the chromed-steel barbell, and all the holy Plates of Steel that are upon them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore thy Lord hath blessed the Rest Day and hallowed it.

5. Honour the principles of Good Form, that thy days of service to the Lord of Iron thy God be long and filled with strength of purpose.

6. Thou shalt not murder thy gains and form and body through half-repping, by failing to squat to at least parallel, failing to touch the bar to thy chest when benching, or by failing to achieve lockout when deadlifting.

7. Thou shalt not adulterate thy gains through use of a Smith Machine for any reason; nor shalt thou wear gym gloves, use a pussy pad on the barbell, smooch on thy girlfriend between sets, nor lift whilst wearing jeans.

8. Thou shalt not leave thy weights strewn across the gym, but shall re-rack them and wipe thy sweat off and disinfect thy equipment.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy gains by partaking of CrossFit, for it is an unholy abomination in the eyes of the Lord of Iron thy God.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy womanly neighbour’s shapely ass, nor thy manly neighbour’s hot girlfriend, nor thy neighbour’s mirror space, nor thy neighbour’s 45lb plates, nor any other thing that thy neighbour is using, even if he insisteth on being a spastic numbnuts who weareth gym gloves and therefore deserveth to be slapped silly.

1. I stand by my established opinion that the only proper punishment for such faggotry, is impalement with a barbell, but this seems to shock a lot of people for some reason, so I have to tone it down in public a little. ↩︎