Here followeth the Law of the Iron, to be observed and honoured by all disciples of the steel as ye pray in the Temple of the Iron God, the Holiest of Holies, the Squat Rack. Remember these Commandments and do not fail to heed them, for the wrath of the vengeful Iron God is truly a fearsome thing to behold.
1. I am the Lord of Iron thy God, who brought thee out of the heretical land of Broscience, out of the bondage of body-part split routines. Thou shalt have no other lifting gods before me.
2. Thou shalt not pay attention to the activities of others in the gym, or any girl in yoga pants on the treadmill, or any bros who dishonour Me; thou shalt not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Iron Lord thy God, am a jealous God, visiting the inattention of the lifter upon his joints and tendons even unto the third and fourth subsequent workouts of those who hate Me, but showing mercy and granting strength through the thousand workouts, of those who love Me and keep My Commandments.
3. Thou shalt not CURL IN THE SQUAT RACK, for the Lord of Iron shall not hold him guiltless who CURLETH in the SQUAT RACK.
4. Remember the rest day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou lift and labour all that thou art able, but the seventh day is the rest day of the Lord of Iron thy God. In it thou shalt not lift, so that thy body and mind may have time to recover and pay tribute to the Lord of Iron thy God. For in six days the Lord of Iron thy God did forge the Squat Rack, and the chromed-steel barbell, and all the holy Plates of Steel that are upon them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore thy Lord hath blessed the Rest Day and hallowed it.
5. Honour the principles of Good Form, that thy days of service to the Lord of Iron thy God be long and filled with strength of purpose.
6. Thou shalt not murder thy gains and form and body through half-repping, by failing to squat to at least parallel, failing to touch the bar to thy chest when benching, or by failing to achieve lockout when deadlifting.
7. Thou shalt not adulterate thy gains through use of a Smith Machine for any reason; nor shalt thou wear gym gloves, use a pussy pad on the barbell, smooch on thy girlfriend between sets, nor lift whilst wearing jeans.
8. Thou shalt not leave thy weights strewn across the gym, but shall re-rack them and wipe thy sweat off and disinfect thy equipment.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy gains by partaking of CrossFit, for it is an unholy abomination in the eyes of the Lord of Iron thy God.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy womanly neighbour’s shapely ass, nor thy manly neighbour’s hot girlfriend, nor thy neighbour’s mirror space, nor thy neighbour’s 45lb plates, nor any other thing that thy neighbour is using, even if he insisteth on being a spastic numbnuts who weareth gym gloves and therefore deserveth to be slapped silly.