Friends, brothers, shitlords, I come before you today to address a grave and terrible problem.

That problem is: unregulated and unrestricted cow farts.

As we know, 99.9% of all scientists believe that humans are behind the sudden, uncontrollable, and unprecedented rise in global temperatures that has taken place in the last century. Global carbon dioxide levels have quadrupled in just an hundred years, reaching levels that we have not seen since about 800 years ago.

Never mind the fact that there were no factories or cars around back then to drive carbon dioxide increases. Or the fact that carbon dioxide levels were once 10, 20, or 30 times higher than they are right now, and life on Earth didn’t end – in fact, back when CO2 levels were that high, the world was populated by truly gigantic beasts that would make the average vegan completely shit his pants with fear. (Even the dragonflies back then had wingspans about a metre long.)

Or the fact that CO2 levels lag temperatures by about 700 years on average. Or the fact that there have been numerous periods of global warming and cooling that had nothing whatsoever to do with people at the time.

No, never mind all of that evidence and data. Never mind rational and logical and empirical argument. I tell you, brothers, that the time has come to be persuaded by this woman as to the critical importance of curb-stomping all economic activity and reducing the Western world to the level of development of grass-hut-dwelling savages in darkest Africa:

Look at that face. Look at those eyes. Look at those boobs arguments.

Yeah. Give both of them a good long look. Never mind the teeth, I’m sure that her orthodontist is driving a Bentley somewhere in Westchester (which he won’t be able to afford if she gets her way, but that’s a Very Good Thing).

I’m telling you, boys, that right there is a woman of taste and refinement. And she has the most spectacularly brilliantest idea EVAR to come forth from the mind of a female of the species.

She basically wants to ban anything and everything that produces heat, light, and electricity. And, I have to say, I’m totally sold by her ideas. I think she’s a genius.

She is absolutely right that the threat of global cooling anthropogenic global warming climate change will end the world by 2012 2030. After all, she has a college degree in international relations and economics from Boston University, so she must know what she’s talking about. She has a degree and everything, and she can even figure out how to pay for her rent and furniture now!

Surely that is the mark of a distinguished intellectual and public scholar!!!

Her plan to save the world is really simple. It involves ceasing all greenhouse gas-producing economic activity, and eliminating all sources of carbon dioxide and methane:

Can you imagine how much better life will be when we are all running on 100% clean and renewable energy made by magic pixies and fairy dust? When we are all working for unions on government make-work jobs? When we are all completely and totally equal? When we get everything for FREE, and the evil RICH BASTARDS have to pay for it all?

Life will surely – SURELY!!! – be paradise on Earth.

After all, even a heartless bastard like Sen. Mike Lee from Utah can see endless possibilities for innovation and brilliant transportation and energy solutions in AOC’s proposals:

Now, let me anticipate one possible objection.

Yes, we have tried socialism many, many times before. And yes, it’s failed every single time – or at least, that’s what I used to think before I saw the light and accepted AOC as my Green Queen.

But that’s because it was never tried properly before. After all, we’ve never tried Democratic Socialism before.

Well, I mean, other than India… and North Korea… and China… and Cuba… and Venezuela… and… yeah but you get the idea! It was never done RIGHT before!!!

So here and now, I declare my full and unequivocal support for the Green Nude Eel.

It’s about the children, my friends. We must surely shut down the entire Western world, bring all economic activity to a grinding halt, and let billions of people starve and freeze while we wait for magical new technologies to be invented out of thin air, so that our children can have a greener, safer, less polluted future.

And if none of us are around to see that future, because we are all dead from starvation and horrible diseases that went mostly extinct thanks to the miracles of real scientific advancements a hundred years ago – well, so much the better. The planet is overtaxed and out of resources as it is.

So, my friends, lift up your soy-milk shakes with me and toast the High Priestess of Gaia, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and her many good and caring friends in the Democratic Party and all of the Left-wing parties around the world, as we celebrate their radical and visionary approach to tackling all of the iniquities and terrible shortcomings of our unjust and unfair market-driven economy.

Let’s help them SMASH THE PATRIARCHY and ACHIEVE FULL EQUALITY and PERFECT JUSTICE and TOTAL FREEDOM!!! Never mind the cost in blood and skulls, it’s a price worth paying!

(In the very unlikely event that anyone reading this took it even remotely seriously – LOOK AT THE DATE, YOU IDIOT!!!)