I got an email in one of my personal accounts which was just too funny not to share. Please note that I have not changed one single word of the email, it’s quoted exactly as I got it:

Greetings,

My name is Major James K. Hoffman. I am an American soldier, presently in Afghanistan for the training, advising the Afghan forces and also helping in stabilizing the country against security challenges. With a very desperate need for assistance, I have decided to contact you for your kind assistance to move the sum of (US$38,000,000.00) Thirty eight Million United States Dollars to you for investment purposes if I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service.

Some money in various currencies was discovered in boxes at a farmhouse during a rescue operation we conducted in one of the attacks by the terrorists and it was agreed by my colleagues and I that some part of this money be shared among us. The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a British doctor working with Red Cross, I was able to get the package out to a safe location entirely out of trouble spot. he does not know the real content of the package, and believes that it belongs to a British /American medical doctor who died in a raid here in Afghanistan, and before giving up, trusted me to hand over the package to his Family.

I have now found a much secured way of getting the package out of Afghanistan to you for pick up and I will discuss this with you when I am sure that you are willing to assist me. I am ready to compensate you with 30% of the $38 million USD for your assistance.

I do not know how long we will remain here, and I have been shot, wounded and survived two suicide bomb attacks by the special grace of God, this and other reasons I will mention later has prompted me to reach out for help.

Please contact me as soon as possible with the following details:

Full Name:

Full Address:
Tel/cell numbers:
Occupation:

God Bless you as I look forward to your positive response.

Truly yours,

Major James K. Hoffman.

Gee, I didn’t realise that the good ol’ US of A has resorted to recruiting Nigerians to kick down doors and round up ragheads over in the Sandbox…

I saw that and just cracked up. It was hysterically funny, if only just for the grammatical errors.

Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but to get to the rank of Major in either the Army, the Air Force, or the Marines, you do have to go to OCS, right? And that requires a certain level of fluency with the English language, doesn’t it? Or has the US military relaxed even those requirements to the point where you only require a fifth-grade understanding of the language?

At any rate, there are several current or ex-military personnel who read this blog – several of them are ex-Special Forces – and I have two things to say to them:

First – it’s a true honour to know that you read my work, and I am always grateful to you for stopping by, reading, and leaving comments.

And second – if any of you happen to know this “Major James K. Hoffman” chap, please do give him my best regards and tell him to send my 30% share of the $38 MEEEEELLION to bank account number IG88-1138-T65, care of the Second Bank of the United States, under the name of Benjamin Strong.

(First person to figure out ALL of the historical and sci-fi references there gets a shout-out in tomorrow’s T&A post.)