This is, of course, the month of broken resolutions. Every single year, millions of people make the “resolution” to get fit and healthy and lose weight, and every year, starting in January, many of them sign up for gym memberships. The result is that every decent gym in the land – and every single Planet Princess-type outfit that merely pretends to be a gym – is packed to the gills with skinny-fat dorks and ugly fat chicks in extremely tight yoga pants.
This annoys the HELL out of real lifters, like me, who are just there to lift things (and hit things, in my case). My attitude to the gym can be summed up like this:
Actually, even that isn’t particularly accurate:
So here’s a true January Gym Idiots story, which kind of just puts the horrors of this month into perspective.
A brand spanking new gym opened up near me, with all-new equipment – HAMMER STRENGTH plates and bars, no less, all shiny and chromed and gleaming and sooooooo beautiful – and, most importantly for me, a fitness studio packed full of hanging heavy bags. It finally opened after a couple of weeks’ worth of delays, due to staffing shortages and issues caused by the Scamdemic.
I went in there on Saturday to take a look around and see if it was any good. It seemed like a solid place – it had a few problems, to be sure, caused by its rather basic-bitch clientele, but it held a lot of promise. It has an IR sauna, heavy bags, weight areas, and an MMA section – so far, so excellent.
The only problem with it is that it’s about 15min away from my place – while my current gym is literally just across the road. And, honestly, that isn’t much of a sacrifice for a place with more facilities, which costs less.
So I slept on it for a few days, and decided to sign up today. And then I packed up my equipment, and walked over there, in high spirits….
… only to find the place packed like a bloody Indian railway platform.
Yes, it’s really like that in South Asia. Don’t go there. Take it from yer ol’ buddy, Didact, and just AVOID. Your sinuses, and your digestive system, will thank you.
Well, fair enough, I grumped, grumpily. It IS January, after all. You kind of have to EXPECT a big new gym to be packed to the rafters with people who don’t have the first bloody clue what they’re doing. I marched into the changing room, mood darkening by the second because of all of the people pressing in around me, and got changed.
I walked over to the studio, where I could see a class gathering. This didn’t look good. If there’s one thing I know about cardio bunnies and the gay instructors that tend to lead them, they don’t like it when someone with 7oz hybrid MMA gloves walks in to start beating up on the heavy bags.
And, indeed, that’s exactly what happened. The gay instructor told me off immediately and said that, while the studio is busy, the heavy bags are off limits.
I walked out, fuming, to check the class schedule – only to discover that the studio is busy almost every weeknight, at PRECISELY the times that most people actually WANT to use the heavy bags.
This was just too much to be borne. The sheer idiocy of such a policy should be transparently obvious even to the most clueless gym owner, but apparently, not in this case. So I went over to the front desk, and gave them a LARGE piece of my mind. After that, I grabbed my gear, walked out, and went back to my old gym – I hadn’t cancelled my membership just yet, precisely in case such a scenario occurred.
And, yeah, I was PISSED. It took quite a bit of tire-flipping to cool down.
That story, right there, is why January sucks. It’ll be good when the crowds are gone and some semblance of sanity is restored to the Church of the Iron God, the Temple of Steel, the Holy of Holies, that is the gym.
I do have a serious word here to offer for those actually looking to get fit, active, and strong:
Don’t be discouraged by the numbnuts and the morons. If you want to learn how to lift and follow the righteous path of the powerlifter, then find a gym with some decent squat racks, start with an empty bar, and add 5lbs every workout for all three big lifts until your form starts to break down.
If you’re serious about lifting, you have my utmost respect – but don’t make a resolution, make a PLAN. Track your progress in an app or a spreadsheet. Figure out how much you can really lift. Gauge your gains after 3 months – I promise you that, if you’ve done it right and obeyed the Ten Commandments of the Iron God, you WILL see tremendous gains in just a short time.
Good luck to you, and Godspeed. I mean that in all sincerity.
As for the New Year’s Irresolutioners and the January Gym Idiots…
SOD. OFF.
9 Comments
“decent squat racks, start with an empty bar, and add 5lbs every workout for all three big lifts until your form starts to break down.”
^ Can confirm. It is for everyone, man or woman, young or old. The iron both makes the weak strong and humble the proud.
About 5 years ago I moved away from 24hr Fitness and set up a rack at home. After the first child was born I wasn’t getting to the gym. I didn’t realize how much of a barrier to entry the mental hurdle was. The 15 minutes of getting ready, going to the gym, walking in from the parking lot (lame, I know) would often make it so I didn’t have the time to go and get it done. At home, that’s not an excuse anymore. Making it easy to do at home was a good move and I’ve been able to maintain a twice a week lifting pattern for several years.
All that to say…maybe not having the commute process of 30 minutes every time is better anyways.
Something I do miss though: The Hammer Strength bars and plates and dumbbells. Consistent and smooth even with years of work put on them.
I don’t miss the January rush though. Not one bit.
Quite right. I’m due to go in for leg day right now and I’m sitting here procrastinating, instead of getting my ass out of my chair and into the gym – not least because I know that the place will look like an Indian railway platform.
That’s my dream – to setup a home gym with a squat rack, bench, weights, and heavy bag, and kiss gym memberships goodbye forever (unless they come with a sauna – something I learned to appreciate during my time in Russia).
Barbell question for the ironmongers here:
I bought a kit with a 500lb rated bar a few years back. The most I’ve ever put on it was 380lb. It’s got a bend to it now and it forces itself to ‘bottom’ out whenever I do a squat. Obviously that 500lb rating didn’t hold up over several years.
A. It’s not that bad, I can keep using it.
B. It’s annoying and I’m looking at replacement bars.
C. There are a lot of replacement bars.
D. Budget is up to $300.
Any perspectives on a good investment bar? Stainless steel? Cerakoted? Problems to avoid?
Now that’s a very interesting question. There are several variables to consider. I’ll try to answer at greater length tomorrow, but the short answer is:
Rogue Ohio power bar.
If you plan to use the same bar for squat, bench, and deadlift, then you’ll want a bar with a centre knurling to provide grip and traction during back-squats, while still being relatively easy on the hands and not “sharp” during deadlifts and bench presses.
The major disadvantage of the Rogue bar is that it is extremely rigid, which means virtually no “whip” or “flex” during heavy deadlifts. This is important during competitions – rather less so for anyone deadlifting less than 400lbs.
Personally, I prefer to use two different barbell types – 29mm thick barbells with centre knurling for squats and bench, and thinner 25mm barbells for deadlifts, because they have a bit more flex in them.
However, you can get away easily enough with just one 28/29mm barbell with a centre knurling. And you simply WILL NOT get a better quality barbell than Rogue, for that price. The Rogue Ohio comes in at just about $300 new, you can probably buy one secondhand for a lot less.
I’ll take a look in my gym tomorrow to figure out what the barbell brands are there – I’m pretty sure they are Titan Fitness barbells, which I’ve used for years in various gyms, and they are very, very good. They are also in your price range.
But, if you can get a Rogue barbell, go for it.
I can relate on several levels. When I first moved to my area, I joined one gym specifically because it was the only one with a pool, and I’ve loved swimming since before I could walk. However, the pool was reserved for every local school’s swim team seemingly every day, and of course it was right at prime-time after work when I’d want to use it. I eventually bailed for the Planet G*yness closer to my house (give me a break, they were cheap and I was poor), but quit a year later when they got rid of all the free weights, presumably because they were scaring their middle-aged Karen clientele.
(On a side note, the guys who run that place must be supervillains, because handing out unlimited free pizza once a month, and candy at all times, is a diabolical way to keep your patrons fat and paying for a gym membership.)
Luckily a new gym opened with a fully armed and operational Church of the Iron God, and I got in on their first-year promotional pricing that I still have to this day. I’ve noticed an influx of new blood, but less than usual since everyone’s cowering in terror of THE DREADED UNICRON. I give them credit for getting off the couch and trying to do something, but the amount of outright terrible lifting I see is just painful. I’ve seen squatters overseen by gym staff barely break 45 degrees, never mind parallel, and keep piling on weights. I’ve seen those same chunky broads in yoga pants “deadlift” entirely with their backs, and congratulate themselves for it. Guys aren’t any better. There are a ton of what I’d call “deadlifting bros” in my particular gym who do deadlifting and nothing else, piling three and four plates on each side of the bar, wearing belts and straps, and spreading chalk everywhere. I’m positive it’s because we have two of the fancy squat racks with the padded floors and wood surface. Anyway…maybe half of these guys actually have proper form. I’m not a snob but I’ve been at this since I was 14 (39 now), so I feel like I know what I’m talking about.
Also, I’d recommend the Stronglifts 5×5 app, which our host introduced me to. As he mentioned it’s less useful once you start to get up into insane weights, but it’s great if you’re just getting started or have been away for a long time (as I was).
There are a ton of what I’d call “deadlifting bros” in my particular gym who do deadlifting and nothing else, piling three and four plates on each side of the bar, wearing belts and straps, and spreading chalk everywhere.
On the roster of frustrating gym bros, the guy wearing a belt, talking all day to ‘rest between my sets’, and getting chalk everywhere is at least top 3. It’s a persistent film that stays all over everything on everyone. Just get some gloves and quit with the powders.
OK, lads, this is where I have to disagree with you, albeit quite mildly.
I deadlift with chalk and a belt, but only once or twice a week for my really heavy sets. I don’t believe in wearing lifting gloves – they increase the diameter of the bar and make it harder to grip, while reducing your overall grip strength.
That being said… the guys who blow clouds of chalk dust everywhere with every step, and take an hour between sets, are indeed annoying. I’ve seen too many of them at various gyms to count. Yes, they are very annoying – I can do 3 sets in the time that they take just to rest from one.
The number of times I’ve made the “horror face” after watching some skinny chick in yoga pants, a dime-store belt, and lifting straps, doing scared-cat-back deadlifts, is too great to count by this point.
February is definitely the month where dreams and new years resolutions go to die.
If you are going to make a change, the ‘new years resolutions’ should be the coming Monday of every month at the latest.