Y’all remember a movie from the mid-1990s, called Outbreak, starring Dustin Hoffman, Rene Russo, Morgan Freeman, and Cuba Gooding, Jr.? Do you remember how that movie started? I won’t ruin it for you (especially since I personally haven’t seen the whole thing, as far as I can remember), but essentially, a lab monkey infected with an extremely virulent pathogen called “Motaba”, finds its way into the USA thanks to a smuggler. The virus, which turns out to be a bioweapon engineered by the US Army, spreads through the population of a rural town like wildfire, infecting rapidly and killing indiscriminately.
Now, before the Coof Scamdemic started back in late 2019 – has it really been two years of this insanity already?!?!? – you would have thought that no such thing could ever happen in real life. We now know better. Every time we think that government incompetence, mendacity, and stupidity cannot possibly get worse, we are proven extremely wrong.
But even I didn’t think that the US gubmint was dumb enough to try an Outbreak scenario in real life.
I was wrong. They are, and they did:
A test monkey is on the lam after a truck carrying 100 apes to a laboratory crashed.
The truck driver, en route to Florida, crashed into a dump truck on Friday outside Danville, Pennsylvania.
Four crab-eating macaques seized the opportunity to escape — and as of Saturday, one was still at large.
“There is still one monkey unaccounted for, but we are asking that no one attempt to look for or capture the animal. Anyone who sees or locates the monkey is asked not to approach, attempt to catch, or come in contact with the monkey. Please call 911 immediately,” a state trooper PIO wrote on Twitter on Saturday.
There is more to the story. Let’s ask the obvious question – why, exactly, would the CDC try to euthanise these monkeys?
Apparently, those monkeys might have been carrying some nasty bugs:
That’s the shot. Here’s the chaser:
Rural Pennsylvania was the setting for Night of the Living Dead:
Well, that’s it. We are officially F***ED.
(And yes, I know, technically Danville, PA, is in the east of the state, whereas NotLD was set in western Pennsylvania. I’m just trying to make a darkly comic yet terrifying point, so stuff your precious technicalities.)
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LABIA!
Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes!
(Joe Rogan has talked about many “monkeys” being in a Bronze age of sorts)