“We are Forerunners. Guardians of all that exists. The roots of the Galaxy have grown deep under our careful tending. Where there is life, the wisdom of our countless generations has saturated the soil. Our strength is a luminous sun, towards which all intelligence blossoms… And the impervious shelter, beneath which it has prospered.”

Who had “weaponised Safari park baboons” in the pool for July?

by | Jul 28, 2020 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

Just when you think 2020 couldn’t POSSIBLY get any more redonkulous:

Animal keepers at a safari park in Merseyside believe that some visitors are ‘arming’ baboons with tools such as knives, screwdrivers and a chainsaw to wreak havoc on parked cars.



The baboons at Knowsley safari park have been known to rip off windscreen wipers and wing mirrors from the cars of visitors.



But now keepers claim that some visitors are trying to help increase the damage caused to vehicles by the animals by supplying weapons ‘for a laugh’, the Sunday Times reports.



One mechanic in Sale knows the monkeys all too well and told the paper: ‘I’ve had two customers this year who became victims of those baboons.



‘The kids start chirping up saying they want monkeys all over the car, and the next thing you know, you’re driving home with no registration plate.’

Here is some incriminating evidence (though it’s quite possibly staged) of the miscreants at work:

Animal keepers at a safari park in Merseyside believe that some visitors are 'arming' baboons with tools such as knives, screwdrivers and a chainsaw. Pictured: Monkeys used to test the durability of a Hyundai at Knowsley Safari Park in 2012

Knowsley Safari Park claimed that their park, where guests do not leave their vehicles, was just as safe as a McDonalds drive thru. Pictured: Monkeys used to test the durability of a Hyundai at Knowsley Safari Park in 2012

I say, chaps, do any of you lot remember an old short story by Edgar Allan Poe called “The Murders in the Rue Morgue“? Not to spoil it or anything, but it involves an organutan getting hold of a straight razor and murderising people in Paris.

Given the way that 2020 is going, at the current pace I think we’re on track to see precisely that scenario play out within, oh, a month.

Indeed, at this rate, I think we’ll be seeing my oft-predicted Mongolian Slaughter Monkeys on Apocalyptic Death-Ponies by November.

To quote C-3PO:

“We’re doomed”.

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