Well, sure as the world turns, here we are at another Monday, and here I am again to help make it all better and go away.
Actually, this Monday is not so bad, because it’s Labour Day in the USA, which allows Americans everywhere to celebrate without any irony whatsoever the virtues of work – by not working:
On a related note, I believe a friend of mine became a father for the first time recently. He was my old sparring partner back in the days when he and his wife still lived nearby. It goes without saying that I am absolutely delighted for him and his wife, and am very much looking forward to spoiling his kid rotten whenever I get a chance – if I ever get back Stateside, that is.
Also – I know that there is a very serious and very, very dangerous storm barreling on a weird curving track over the Bahamas and toward the Eastern Seaboard right now. For any readers who are in the potential path of Hurricane Dorian, stay dry, stay safe, and be careful out there, and once the storm has passed, let us know in the comments that you’re OK.
With that in mind – happy Labour Day, y’all, and let’s get on with celebrating it.
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Over in Blighty, Boris Johnson has made good on his threats to suspend the Parliament in order to push through Brexit – deal or no deal. And in so doing, he has severely cheesed off all of the right people:
Well done, Boris. Stay the course, get Brexit over the line, and go down in history as one of Britain’s greatest and most courageous leaders. People will forget about what a political opportunist he is when they finally realise that Britain is free of the squidlike clutches of the EU and can chart her own destiny once more.
And once Britain is gone, I fully expect Italy or some of the central European states to start plotting their breakaways as well. They will have seen that it can be done, and that leaving the EU is better for them than staying within the warm but ultimately suffocating body of that monstrosity.
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Our friend The Male Brain made my job vastly easier this week by contributing a truly enormous number of Benny Hill classic videos:
Many thanks indeed to Dawn Pine for such a wide-ranging set of contributions. As he pointed out in his email to me, Benny Hill was a really hard-working, skilled comedian, and those who worked with him really looked up to him for his wit, wisdom, and work ethic.
But he was also a deeply lonely man, and unfortunately a victim of one of the earliest modern examples of an SJW crusade against wrongthink. In some ways his life reminds us of another great comedy icon, Robin Williams.
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Your history lesson of the week concerns one of the most consequential battles of all of human history – the Battle of the Catalaunian Plains, in which the legendary Roman general Flavius Aetius, one of the very Last of the Romans, decisively defeated Attila:
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There’s a new trailer out for STAR WARS Episode IX, and like most of you I just couldn’t give a shit anymore.
Fortunately, everyone’s favourite drunken Scottish critic watched it so that you didn’t have to:
OK, I have to admit… I did watch the trailer.
Two-thirds of it involved clips from the previous films in the series. It was a pure nostalgia hit, nothing else. The clips from the new film just plain BLOW.
Don’t bother watching this film. I still haven’t seen the previous one, or Rogue One, or Solo. I’m DONE with this shit.
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Related – yes, the new Terminator film is going to BLOW:
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A couple of good trailers:
$20 says that Joaquin Phoenix still won’t be able to match either Heath Ledger or Mark Hamill.
The new Gendy Tartakovsky cartoon, on the other hand, looks very promising:
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Good ol’ PJ was in Hong Kong last week, covering the massive protests that are still going on over there:
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Mortal Kombat, when given the Robot Chicken treatment:
Still better than the latest SJW-infested version of the game.
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Remember that hilarious moment in the original STAR WARS movie when Obi-Wan Kenobi said that “only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise”?
Turns out… it wasn’t actually that much of a joke, and in fact, the stormies are SCARY good shots:
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Questions never asked – what do you suppose happens when Batman tries to ask Galadriel out on a date?
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Some good old-fashioned comedy from PommieBastaradLand:
The same duo take on heavy metal as well – very accurately, it must be said:
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The Member of Parliament for the 18th Century, the great and good Jacob Rees-Mogg, shows off his verbal virtuosity:
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Spoiler alert – NO, it isn’t:
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It is genuinely difficult to find just one or two great videos from Kings and Generals for this week’s history lessons – all of their stuff so far has been terrific. Here are two videos about two men from very different worlds who eventually became Japanese samurai and honoured, trusted retainers of feudal lords:
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Alex, also known as Miggie 101, is in Belarus, and advises everyone else to come for a visit:
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1st Sgt Popp has some hard lessons for all you raw young recruits out there as you make your way into the Matrix:
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Deadpool vs Stormtroopers – WHO YA GOT?!?:
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I’ve been rather busy over the previous week, so there is no real long read to delight you with, so let’s get on to pics, girls, and guns:
Apparently that is a really-for-real error page on the Trump-Pence website. There is no troll quite like His Most Legendary and Benevolent Celestial Majesty, the God-Emperor of Mankind, Donaldus Triumphus Magnus Astra.
With a hurricane right on his doorstep, look at what Floriduh Man has come up with!:
SKYNET IS GOING TO KILL US ALL!:
So do we now get to call WaPo reporters cockroaches?:
Your Warm-N’-Fuzzies of the Day:
Hey, if the Rosary Rattlers are gonna forgive that, SIGN ME RIGHT UP!!!
Actually, if that were accurate, it would be: Pile of Shit repeated 5 times, then NT, then REALLY STINKY PILE OF SHIT, then 2000, then LEGENDARY AWESOMENESS, then ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME WITH THIS PILE OF SHIT?!?!?, then EPIC AWESOMESAUCE, and then just a picture of a mushroom cloud over Microsoft headquarters after that.
Can confirm.
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Your dog of the week is the Tibetan Mastiff:
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Coach Ramsey makes a rather good case for abandoning the whole idea of touching gloves after the bell rings in a really-for-real, fists-on-face, proper fight:
The coach also recommends the use of the speed bag, and rightly so:
I have to admit that the speed bag was one piece of equipment that I never got comfortable with when training, mostly because my school never emphasised it and did not have anything approaching a real one for training purposes for many years. But I do see the value in the thing. It is a great tool for learning how to strike and move and parry effectively, and every striking-based martial artist should use it.
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Your gym idiot of the week is, once again, Tyrone the Fitness Addict, and this time it is left to Alan Roberts to destroy his pretensions of intelligence:
Even by the rough-and-tumble standards of Every Damn Day Fitness, that was brutal.
If you have the time – and the headphones – you can sit and listen to all of Alan’s epic roasts of Tyrone the Fitness Addict. They are highly entertaining – and extremely profane:
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More fails from real athletes:
I thought that the referee nut-punch was definitely the high (low?) point of that compilation.
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A true gym beast teaches you how to deadlift:
Related:
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Your Buakaw Beatdown of the Week:
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#WeBelieveInMetal
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And finally, we come to our Instathot of the week. Her name is Michele Maturo, and she is some sort of fitness model and athletics apparel seller and “influencer”.
Quite apart from the fact that “influencer” sounds like the kind of virus-borne illness that I have been getting over for the past week, with spectacularly disgusting results in terms of mucosal expectoration (read: snot and phlegm, for all you heathen rebels who don’t speak Ye Olde Englishe), I have no idea what she does or why she is relevant.
But she looks hot in a bikini. So that will do for now.
Happy Monday, boys. Don’t let your head hurt too much from that contradiction in terms, and now get out there and crush it.
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