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The obligatory “I hate sportzball” note

by | Nov 18, 2022 | Office Space | 3 comments

There is now quite a lot of hoo-hah about something called the “UEFA FIFA World Cup”, which apparently involves various national teams of 11 play-actors flopping around on something resembling a big rectangular pitch made of grass whenever so much as a passing breeze hits them, and honestly, I could not be arsed to watch any of it.

In case you haven’t got a clue (or are American – same thing), here is what I’m on about:

The reason behind all of this bile-spewing is, of course, the World Cup starting off in Qatar. Which, this year, apparently is going to be a dry World Cup, because of course IZZLAM:

Qatar enforces an extremely strict interpretation of Islam which restricts women’s rights and criminalises members of the LGBTQ+ community, as well as banning public displays of affection and public alcohol consumption. 

It is somewhat of an embarrassment for FIFA after Budweiser was announced as one of the sponsors for the tournament, and had been granted a monopoly to sell beer at the stadiums. It will now only be able to sell its alcohol-free version of beer there.

It was to sell alcoholic beer within the ticketed perimeter surrounding each of the eight stadiums three hours before and one hour after each game. 

England fans told MailOnline the tournament has been ‘ruined’ and FIFA should not have ‘given in’, complaining they would not have spent thousands of pounds on tickets and flights if they had known about the ban beforehand.

Qatar had previously promised to respect the tournament’s sponsors.

It is just the latest controversy surrounding this year’s world cup following the scandal over the deaths of more than 6,000 migrant workers while building the stadiums and the appalling state of LGBT+ rights in the country. 

Note the subtle inversion from the word wizards here. They are actually more outraged about wammenzes rats and the “rights” of butt-buggerers and kiddie-fiddlers, than they are about right properly drunken rabble-rousing futbol hooligans kicking up a fuss.

I don’t know about you, but I prefer the hoolies to the homos.

While we are on the subject of futbol, here is a true story:

I was actually in Moscow and St. Petersburg during the 2018 World Cup, when it was held in Russia. And it was bloody fantastic. The atmosphere was terrific. The Russians were amazingly hospitable and kind – though, of course, I was only slightly less hostile toward sportzball at that time than I am now – and I actually ended up staying in a hotel in SPb that housed the Spartak football team while I was there. Moscow was even more fun, because you could walk through Red Square at 3am and you would see what looked like the entire damn WORLD having a giant party.

And, amazingly, nobody punched anyone else. I mean, aside from the Limeys, but the Russians treated them quite sensibly – by stopping many of them from entering the country and keeping the rest under a strict regime of surveillance. If they misbehaved, they’d promptly be hauled off to the Lubyanka to have their fingernails pulled out. (Well, to be fair to the Russians, they have become rather more humane of late – so they would probably just force the hoolies to listen to Chumbawamba for hours on end.)

Here’s what I mean by the latter:

See what I mean? TORTURE.

Anyway – the point is, sportzball is STUPID and I for one am delighted that the Qataris have pissed in everyone’s punch-bowl.

I do have to admit, though, that the World Cup gives the rest of us a great excuse to enjoy the scenery:

While we’re on that subject – anyone remember this chick?

Yeah. THAT would be Natalia Nemchinova, aka Natalya Andreeva, and if you do a search for her, you’d better do so with the SafeSearch filters set to VERY MUCH ON.

All told, I simply hope that we can get this stupid spectacle over and done with, and go back to not caring. Unfortunately, I live in a part of the world where they are absolutely rabid about football – or “soccer”, as Americans insist on calling it – and I can’t really get away from it all.

However, this all does give rise to an interesting question:

What would happen if English football hooligans, in particular, managed to create a spacefaring civilisation?

Well… THIS:

Yeah. That, I could live with.

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3 Comments

  1. Ralph Robert Jaeger

    Soccer…(or football if you prefer)… should be played by hot girls in the mud without any rules of civility. IMHO.

    Reply
    • Didact

      Now THAT is a sport I can watch and believe in!!!

      Reply
  2. Josh

    A lot of the world’s problems could be solved if soccer loving countries got themselves a decent code of football.

    As to the football hooligans surely part of the problem is that the TV highlights are of near misses. In said decent codes generally the losing team still gets to score a few trys or toucdowns and field goals where the supporters can cheer and carry on to release their emotions but not so in soccer where in the UK they pile onto the train home and vent their frustrations on the carriages.

    Also the goal area is still the same size as a century ago but players are now taller so the goalies can stop more balls getting to the net. The goal area needs to be bigger. Or have weight / size limits on goalies, as per jockeys.

    Reply

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