Cyclists get a lot of hate. I know, because I used to be one. Back in my skool daze, so to speak, I put on a bike helmet and a big thick yellow jacket, and rode a mountain bike through the streets of London, pretty much every day. It is fair to say that most motorists were not fond of me – or of the thousands of other clowns doing the same thing around me.

Of course, from my perspective, I thought I was “one of the good ones”. I generally (though not always) obeyed red lights. I tried to avoid getting in people’s way. I tried to signal whenever I turned. And I stayed off sidewalks (mostly) and stuck to cycle lanes (mostly).

But, with age comes (to some extent) wisdom, and now that I drive on a semi-regular basis, I have to say… I completely understand why EVERYONE hates cyclists.

They are, quite literally, the mosquitoes of society:

The problem has gotten significantly worse since I used to do this sort of numbskullery back in PommieBastardLande. London’s population has exploded and the city has expanded outwards. But it is not just London that has to deal with idiots on two wheels. You see the same thing in Manchester, York, Birmingham (God help you if you ever end up in THAT horrid shithole), Coventry, Leeds – basically, any and every decent-sized British city has this infestation.

It is even worse in the countryside. Anyone who has ever driven along dual-carriageway country roads can attest to the sheer incandescent fury that descends upon one’s senses when he sees a cyclist causing HUGE tailbacks with zero self-awareness. They trundle along at 5mph, clogging up the roads, stopping the vital flows of commerce and industry that make any country work, all so that they can get to a village fete to buy some manky cucumbers.

And, of course, if you have ever had the delightful experience of being on a nice walk through town, when you are almost mowed down by some asshat illegal alien on a Deliveroo bike, then you know full well why Americans consider the Second Amendment to be a Good Thing. Although it was never intended for use against uppity sidewalk-riders, I do think there are certain jurisdictions, especially in the Deep South, where shooting some dipshit on a Deliveroo bike would be considered justifiable, given that “he needed killin’” is a valid legal defence down there.

All I can say is that I thoroughly agree with Ye Greateste Livinge Englishmane when he talks about how idiotic cycling is – though, to be fair, he hates motorcyclists too (again, with good reason):

Just in case someone on an antiquated Victorian contraption takes umbrage at all of this, let me just point out something:

I used to be one of you. I know what cycling is all about. I have nothing whatsoever against cyclists riding their silly Macguffins around in parks and forests, where they are generally easy to see, or largely out of the way.

Indeed, I have ridden a bike around a very large Moscow park this summer – where, as it happens, I managed to break the derailleur, much to the bemusement of the Russian chap who looked it over and asked, “how the hell do you not know how to use this thing?!?”. (I did know how to use it, but it’s been a while since I’ve ridden a bike properly, and I’m used to handling a lot more speeds than that thing had available.)

But – and this is important – STAY OFF THE BLOODY ROADS AND SIDEWALKS.

Better yet – get a job, work hard, save up, and BUY A BLOODY CAR. It’s good for the planet, because it warms everything up and makes life better for us all, and it’s good for pedestrians, because it gets YOU idiots off the roads.