Loss is often necessary for a man to confront his shortcomings, and to find his true purpose in life. I experienced just such a loss today, and it is forcing me to ask hard questions of myself and my achievements, such as they are, thus far in life. The answers are not pleasant.

My former protege came to me today and told me that she is leaving us, and soon. I took the news like a punch to the gut; she had been happy with the way things were going for her, and she showed and continues to show immense potential. But, an opportunity came up that she could not refuse, and when I realised that her intentions were good and her motives were genuine, I backed her decision unconditionally. The fact is, she will be far better off where she is going than she will ever be where she is today. In her place, I would have made the exact same choice, and I would have stood by it. Yet, her departure creates a professional and in some ways very personal void that cannot really be filled. All of that knowledge, potential, and skill is moving on. Our loss is certainly someone else’s gain.

The reality is that I am soon to lose a colleague, a confidante, and a friend.

It is at times of personal loss that a man is forced to ask difficult questions of himself, his achievements, his very reason for being. I have certainly been doing my share of that of late.

At one level, I have achieved much to be proud of. I now lead a highly motivated, highly skilled team that I personally built and trained. I have designed solutions to problems that no one else could, during a time of severe crisis. I have salvaged businesses that others had all but written off. I have driven change and innovation in ways that no one could have foreseen. I have achieved all of this through hard work, persistence, blind stubbornness, and a dogged refusal to let problems go unsolved- all at immense personal cost. There is much to be proud of in that record.

In a wider context, though, all of these achievements seem hollow. It goes without saying that in a large organisation, all of the good that a man can do is quickly lost when he leaves through the sheer weight of bureaucracy. The reality is that the changes I have implemented will not affect more than a few dozen, perhaps a few hundred people. What I have done will not stand the test of time. And that, ultimately, is what I want: immortality.

Thus far, I have failed.

In the legend of Achilles, when it came time for legendary hero to decide whether to set sail for Troy, his mother Thetis relayed to him the momentous prophecy of his fate. Either he could stay in Thessaly, and live a long, happy, and quiet life, and die of old age and be forgotten, or he could sail to Troy, and become the greatest warrior and hero of all time, but die young and in a blaze of immortal glory. The details were left to the Fates, but the outcome was certain either way. That is the choice that every man faces: whether to strive towards fleeting glory, or to be content with mediocrity.

That message is precisely what was hammered home today with brutal and stunning clarity. The older I get, the less time I have to find and fulfill my ultimate purpose on this Earth, to achieve immortality.

My friend’s decision to leave has reinforced this fact. While her true purpose in life is almost surely not going to be that of a high-flying corporate sales representative- for I have some idea of the cost that this exacts, particularly on women- I do believe that she is one step closer to achieving that purpose. I know that working for a large corporation is never going to achieve my true end in life; the route that a corporate drone’s existence once offered to a comfortable life and retirement is gone, destroyed by years and decades of corporate malfeasance and government corruption at every level. I know that starting my own business, as I have long wanted to do, is fraught with risk, but I would rather take those risks than waste the rest of my life following some damn fool regulator’s orders.

I do not fully understand what my true purpose is. I do not know what the Lord intends for me; I do not even know for certain that He exists, or if He even cares (I choose to believe that He does, on both counts- that is the very definition of faith). I do know, however, that the Lord would not intend for me to waste my life in meaningless and trivial pursuits. I do know that He intended His children to flourish and multiply, to use His gifts to the best of their abilities. And I believe that He would not want me to waste my life on pursuits that are secondary to what I already know is my true reason for being- to solve problems. What I do not yet know is how to create the specific circumstances that will allow me to spend my life solving difficult problems. All I know is that I was put on this Earth for a reason, and that I am running out of time to find that reason.

And that, ultimately, is all that any of us can do- to live our lives to the best of our ability, to make the most use possible of the time that is given to us, to be the best that we can be and to use the gifts that we are given.