Normally I would never, ever, ever comment upon the Twilight saga. This is for two reasons. One, I have never read any of the books or watched any of the movies. This is because I have a brain and I would very much like to retain use of it, thank you very much. Two, I read Bram Stoker’s Dracula when I was 16, and it scared the bejeezus out of me. That is a classic vampire story. Stephanie Meyer’s convoluted, Mormon-inflected wet-dream-slash-ridiculously-overcomplicated-abstinence-metaphor with a sparkly gay-ass 100+-year-old virgin vampire with serious boundary issues is not.

Fortunately, the internet exists to provide those of us who have neither the time, the patience, nor the lack of intelligence to watch or read these wretched execrations with the means to mock them nevertheless. So, for your enjoyment, here the the HONEST TRAILERS for the Twilight saga. You’re welcome.

[My sister, on the other hand, has seen the Twilight movies. She tells me that they are hilarious to watch- provided that you do so when you are completely and totally hammered. She told me that she and her friends went to watch the fourth movie after they’d had several vodka shots each, and apparently it was one of the funniest movies she’s ever seen, but only because it was so awful. This indicates to me that if you were to invent a Twilight drinking game, you would be in the hospital with severe alcohol poisoning by the end of the first movie.]

BONUS: the incomparable take on the entire saga from Cracked.com