“We are Forerunners. Guardians of all that exists. The roots of the Galaxy have grown deep under our careful tending. Where there is life, the wisdom of our countless generations has saturated the soil. Our strength is a luminous sun, towards which all intelligence blossoms… And the impervious shelter, beneath which it has prospered.”

Vegans for Earth Day

And by vegans, I mean turning vegans into BURGERS, of course. It’s Earth Day, which for evil conservative bastards like me is an excuse to fire shotguns, burn petrol, drink beer, hunt deer, and crank the Viking death metal up WAAAAAAAAAAAY too loud. (That sort...

Jomsviking

The almighty AMON AMARTH’s latest studio album was released a few days ago. This is their first album without longtime drummer Freidrik Anderssen in something like 17 years- since Once Sent From the Golden Hall, I think. I’m about halfway through the album...

Power metal gone bananas

Here’s an interesting riddle: what happens when you take a Swiss former law school student, the keyboardist/vocalist for Scottish pirate metal band ALESTORM, and three other highly talented but clearly batshit-insane musicians, and lock them all in a big house...

Keep the IRON FIRE burning

It’s hard to believe that, for all of my exposure to (and taste for) great power metal, I’ve never come across a certain Danish power metal band by the name of IRON FIRE. Fortunately, I corrected that rather egregious oversight last week, and have been...

Your metalhead alter-ego

Classic: Have I ever mentioned how much I dislike METALLICA? These guys spend most of their time listening to DRAGONFORCE and… well, being borderline gay These guys are the best kind to hang with at an AMON AMARTH concert And last but not least: I ran into one...

There’s a vowel missing somewhere

And these guys are Polish, so they don’t even have the excuse of being American to misspell everything. Still and all, they DO know how to play. Boy, do they ever: Best track on that album (so far) has got to be “Dragonheart”. That’s five...

Every word is truth

I want to be pissed off at Dom for telling the truth about powerlifting, but… I just can’t be angry at someone who so brilliantly manages to piss all over powerlifters everywhere: I don’t know what the funniest quote is: “That’s all...

“First Kill”

The Vikings are BACK! Hel’s Teeth, that was positively BRUTAL. By Thor’s Hammer, this sounds like it is going to be a positively AWESOME album. I cannot wait to hear it. The last four albums have featured a sound that can only be adequately described...

KILL! MAIM! BURN!

Fellow Vile Faceless Minion #6306 has raised the battle flag for us as the Hugo Awards approach: Woe to you, trufen and CHORFs, pedophiles! For you wear a tuxedo one night a year, but inside are full of greed, cruelty and self-indulgence.You blind Toad! First clean...