“We are Forerunners. Guardians of all that exists. The roots of the Galaxy have grown deep under our careful tending. Where there is life, the wisdom of our countless generations has saturated the soil. Our strength is a luminous sun, towards which all intelligence blossoms… And the impervious shelter, beneath which it has prospered.”

The Didact converts to the Religion of Peace

by | Apr 1, 2024 | Office Space | 2 comments

My friends, after many years of disparaging the real revelation of the true god, I came to the conclusion last night that I have been following entirely the wrong course. You see, it so happened that I went to sleep in something one might best describe as a cave last night, and I woke up suddenly to find a strange-looking character, who looked vaguely in the shape of a man, standing next to me.

He suddenly grabbed and squeezed me, telling me to read something he thrust under my nose. In my sleep-deprived state, I could not read it – especially after I realised it was in Arabic. So I told him I could not read. He repeated his demand twice more, insisting I must read – and I told him both times I could not do so.

He finally said, “then RECITE” – and proceeded to give me a direct and divine revelation, which explained that Allah was indeed the one true god, and the Koran is in fact the true revelation.

Over the course of the previous night, I learned that:

  • The world is in fact made up of 7 Earths, all laid on top of each other like pancakes;
  • It would take you 500 years to travel between each of them;
  • The whole world sits on the back of a whale that traverses the ocean of space;
  • The sky is actually made up of 7 domes, all stacked together like Matrioshka nesting dolls;
  • The Sun sets in a spring of muddy (or hot) water every night, but only after prostrating itself beneath the throne of Allah;
  • Allah himself is either on his throne, or over his throne, or turned toward his throne – I couldn’t quite get this clear;
  • There is a 300-mile-long wall of solid iron, built by Alexander the Great, somewhere in the Caucasus Mountains;
  • The Christian conception of marriage is abominable – it is not permanent, but rather a contract for a time;
  • Jesus did not actually die for our sins, but it was only made to appear so;
  • You Christians have the Trinity all wrong – it is actually Allah, Maryam, and Jesus;
  • In fact, because you Christians worship a Trinity, you are actually polytheists, and therefore will burn in Hell;
  • The Garden of Eden was not based on Earth, as your Bible says, but was in space;
  • Adam was cast down to somewhere in Sri Lanka, and was 90 feet tall when he dropped down here;
  • Mecca is the oldest and greatest city on Earth, and 140,000 prophets are buried there;
  • Arabic, and ONLY Arabic, is the correct language of Scripture – not Greek, nor Aramaic, nor Hebrew;
  • Allah created the entire Universe out of smoke, in 4 – er, wait, 6 – days;
  • Hail comes from literal mountains of ice, floating in the sky;

Truly, I have received miraculous revelations!

There is much, MUCH more that this man revealed to me – and, as it turns out, he was actually a manifestation of the archangel Jibreel, or what you would call “Gabriel”. There is not space enough here to do justice to the list. But, let’s just say that you Christians have no proper conception of morality and decency, especially when it comes to sex and marriage.

You Christians are all such prudes. You think that there is no sex in Paradise. But, in fact, there is – LOTS of it. Turns out, when you get to Heaven, you can have sex with any woman you want – or with a man, or with an animal, or really anything and anyone you want. You will have a male member that is endless and never goes flaccid, that stretches all the way into the sky.

All the earthly pleasures you deny yourself here, will be available to you in Paradise – and I do mean ALL of them. Ain’t that great?!?!?!

This truly is a great religion, because it proves that you were wrong about everything you ever believed. For instance, it is actually fine to have relations with children – nothing wrong with that at all, according to Allah. It is fine to have multiple wives – if you don’t like one of them, you can divorce her simply by saying one word three times. Even better, if you regret that, and want to marry her again, she first has to sleep with another man, before you can have her back.

Can you imagine a better system?

And, best of all, if you die as a martyr for the cause, you get 72 virgins in Heaven! (Although there is apparently some debate among the infidel scholars as to whether this is about “virgins” or “raisins” – we do not concern ourselves with this matter, of course.)

Ultimately, the Islamic faith is wonderful, because you never have to question anything. All you have to do, is believe blindly in whatever your imam tells you. Never wonder, never trouble yourself as to the meaning of the words, never concern yourself with whether it makes sense or not – just BELIEVE.

This truly is a wonderful faith. I cannot wait to get started with my first trip to the mosque!

And if, somehow, you got to this point, and still took this poast seriously – LOOK AT THE DATE, YOU IDIOT!

It is important to note that every single point I made above, with respect to Izzlam, at least, is something derived straight from the Koran, hadith, Sirah, and tafsir. It is all straight from their own religion. I have not embellished or made anything up. It’s all right there.

There is no comparison whatsoever between the Living Word who is Jesus Christ of Nazareth, the only begotten Son of God, who lived to save us, died to redeem us, and rose again from the dead to prove it – and Mo’Lester, the Paedophile Profit of Izzlam, who married a six-year-old girl and had sex with her when she was nine, and flat-out made shit up, if he even existed, by borrowing and stealing things from various other sources.

Indeed, if you talk to the more radical Muzzies, who take their ridiculous “religion” seriously, you will eventually find that they think sex with INFANTS is permissible:

There are literally no words sufficient to condemn this evil. Such practices are perverted, disgusting, filthy, and insane. Any Muslim who accepts paedophilia as normal and good, is a servant of Hell itself. And yet, if he takes his faith seriously, HE HAS NO CHOICE but to accept it, because that is literally what every serious source in his own religion says.

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  1. furor kek tonicus ( dicks out for 72 raisins )

    yeah, i was going to razz you about reading Jibreel’s Koran, that you were supposed to be illiterate.
    guess i need to brush up on my idiotic religion of the week.

  2. JohnC911

    ” a male member that is endless and never goes flaccid, that stretches all the way into the sky”

    Sounds like a nightmare. I like sexual desire like any men but my mind is flood and I can not think.
    This guy sounds like a sex addict. How would this be a Godly Heaven? Sounds more like something the Devil would promise you. Serve me and you will have 72 virgin women.

    Like that Twilight Zone episode where the guy thinks he is in heaven but it turns out to be hell (“A Nice Place to Visit”).


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