Following last year’s hugely successful launch of the Didactic International Cryptocurrency (DICC), we here at Didactic Enterprises are extremely pleased to announce the launch of The Ecumene Bank. Given the recent turbulence in the markets, we believe there is a real and powerful niche for full-reserve digital gold banking, and we welcome you to take part in a hugely exciting new development in financial circles.

I have been very hard at work on this project for the past year. The basic idea behind it is to use the same blockchain technology that powers and solidifies the DICC, to tokenise real gold, held in a physical bank vault in Fort Knox.

Here’s a simple rundown of how it works:

Every DICC you buy is now backed 1:1 not by USD, but by physical tokenised GOLD. You can purchase DICCs on the open market, and redeem them for digital gold, which you can then transfer in your exchange-based, or decentralised, wallet into BTC, ETH, other cryptocurrencies, stablecoins, or even use an off-ramp to transfer into hard currency.

But that is far from our only service. We also provide full-fledged banking services – and, crucially, we do so across borders, in parts of the world that no one else will touch.

You see, while other banks are fleeing Russia, we are looking to enter the market, by registering ourselves on Russia’s SPFS (Система Передачи Финансовых Сообщений). We have setup a legal entity in Tashkent, Uzbekistan, a neutral third-country with its famously strict financial control laws, and another legal entity in Nicosia, Cyprus. The two legal entities allow us to transfer money through the Western SWIFT system as inter-entity exchanges, and then settle in native currencies on each end.

Given the immense wealth opportunities provided by the Russian market, in which you can invest in Russian bonds yielding at least 7%, my investors and I believe this represents a huge opportunity for you and your families to move away from the fiat-based Western system, and take advantage of far better yields and treatments elsewhere.

After all, money goes where it gets the best treatment – and you will not find better treatment than the Ecumene Bank.

With our unique portfolio of digital banking services, you can access your money anytime, anywhere. You can benefit from virtual cards, virtual IBANs, and the fastest FX transfers in the world, at the best exchange rates and for the lowest fees, anywhere.

Furthermore, we can leverage European PSD2 and British Open Banking directives to use your banking transaction data, with your explicit consent, to offer you personalised loans at rates our more traditional competitors simply cannot match. You will not be able to get a loan in this market in Western nations for anything less than 6%, while submitting to hugely invasive, frustrating, and annoying paperwork and credit inquiries – but, because you can allow us to see your transaction data and use that to construct a risk profile behind the scenes, we can offer you a loan within minutes with minimal hassle, paperwork, headache, and heartburn.

There is simply no other bank in the world today that offers this range of services. With our industry partner, Railsr, and thanks to our registration within the UK as a digital Payment Services Provider that can both launch e-money and provide loans as an innovative FinTech, we are able to do things in fields that the main-street and high-street banks just cannot do.

So, take your business to Ecumene Bank today – convert your cash into gold, send your money around the world using our blockchain-based technologies, supported by the disruptive thrusting power of DICC, and win bigly! Our friendly customer service representatives are standing by to help you open YOUR personalised account today!!!

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And for the one or two of you that thought this might actually be real – LOOK AT THE DATE, YOU IDIOTS!!!

(If this one was not up to the quality of past April 1 entries, you’ll have to bear with me. Clown World has gotten so insane, so ridiculous, and so absurd, that we increasingly find ourselves in the odd situation where the news is more zany and weird than comedy. Plus, it’s been a difficult week for a variety of reasons.)