“We are Forerunners. Guardians of all that exists. The roots of the Galaxy have grown deep under our careful tending. Where there is life, the wisdom of our countless generations has saturated the soil. Our strength is a luminous sun, towards which all intelligence blossoms… And the impervious shelter, beneath which it has prospered.”

You know it’s January when…

by | Jan 12, 2023 | gym idiots | 5 comments

Unlike a lot of “normies”, as it were, I do not do New Year’s Resolutions – especially not those silly ones about “losing weight” and “going to the gym”. For me, the gym is not a chore – it is a habit. Over 11 years of disciplined application of the Iron Mind makes the gym my second home, no matter where I am.

Doesn’t mean I actually like going there, though.

Why? Because PEOPLE.

I always, without fail, walk into the gym in a good mood – and within two minutes, I find myself in a foul one. This is not surprising when you see people doing all sorts of stupid shit all over the gym floor, or quarter-squats in the power rack – or, worst of all, CURLS IN THE SQUAT RACK.

I swear, if I ever come to power as the Supreme Overlord of Mankind, I will make curling in the squat rack punishable by immediate testicular tasering.

Of course, January is the absolute worst month for hardcore gym rats and powerlifters, because that is inevitably when a lot of soft, flabby soyboys waddle into the gym with their heffalump, uh, “partners” of indeterminate orientation next to them, to half-heartedly jog and row and try to lift some weights.

Some of them might even venture into the squat rack, where yours truly just wants to be left the hell alone to squat 1.5x bodyweight down to parallel for reps. Most of them learn pretty quickly not to go there. The few that stick around and actually learn good form, end up walking the righteous path, and that is all well and good. But the majority of them are just… annoying.

Yes, that’s right, January is gym idiots month.

This is the month that actually counts as Christmas and Thanksgiving all rolled into one for gym owners everywhere, because they know they can bring in people who sign up for steeply discounted memberships, use them a few times, and then forget about them for the rest of the year. It’s a literal cash machine for them.

The crowded gym has a number of other very unpleasant side effects. I don’t know what it is about most normies, but almost none of them put their f***ing weights away!!! Granted, I have a rather severe case of OCD with respect to weights – I am that one weird guy in the gym who goes around picking up weights and putting them back, in a very particular order, categorised by mass, between sets. But that’s me.

If you ARE new to the gym, do the rest of us, who actually care about and respect the purpose of the gym, a big favour:


And clean them while you’re at it. Gyms offer cleaning spray and paper towels nowadays for a REASON.

January truly is a miserable season for people like me, and all I can do is grit my teeth and hope the crowds die down by March. Until then, though… we’ll have to grin and bear it.

To help with the “grin” part, though, let us turn to everyone’s favourite gym bro, Dom Mazzetti, and some of his classic clips:

DON’T. End of.

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  1. Cato the Uncensored

    I live two minutes away from my local gym, but 10 years ago I realized I could build a nice little gym with aerobics and weights in my mancave in my cellar for the same price I would pay out over seven years, so I went my own way. Best decision ever for many of the issues you point out. Unless you hit the local gym for time with your bro’s or to hit on the babes, the best choice is to go your own way, if you can.

    • Didact

      I completely agree. That is my goal – eventually get to the point where I can build my own home gym. I’ll put up a solid squat rack, get a barbell with some plates, grab a bench, and install a heavy bag – and that’s it, I’m all set.


    Let’s not forget people (women especially) doing squats in the Smith machine. I saw one semi-buffed dude with a Gold’s Gym muscle shirt at this the other day. He should DEFINITELY know better.

    Another pet peeve of mine is groups who spend two minutes talking for every second of lifting. If you can breathe enough to talk, you aren’t working hard enough.

    I applaud these newbs for at least getting off their butts and trying, but my name for them is “sunshine gymmers” since most of them will be gone in a month.

    • Didact

      YES!!! Exactly! I HATE it when people come to the gym to socialise!

      The Altar of the Iron God is a crucible, not a kaffeeklatsch. Socialise on your own damn time, Fake-Boobs-Fake-Lips-Yoga-Pants and all of your fatass friends!

  3. Bardelys the Magnificent

    I have a hard enough time getting the regulars to put away their weights. I often pick weights off the floor and rack them by necessity.

    It completely escaped me the other day when I walked in the gym and there were 4x the people there. Oh, yeah, I forgot. It’s January. The only saving grace is that they’ll be gone in another two weeks, then we can go back to normal.


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