Following my (rather harrowing and mostly unpleasant) experience with CrossShit, commenter Andy asks:

Would like to see your perspective on Planet Fitness next. Be sure to go on Free Pizza Day. 🙂

Well, to my considerable relief and delight, I am not in a country where Planet Princess has any franchises. And thank heaven for that, because I regard Planet Princess with utter scorn and derision – as does just about any serious lifter.

To understand why, you need to look at what Planet Fitness itself claims are the 8.3 best reasons to work out there. I reckon Andy there has already seen this video – or at least, the Planet Fitness TV (PFTV – Poofter Vag, anyone? Too easy…) version of it, without the Trap Lord’s hilarious voice-over commentary – but for those of you who haven’t, here is a great breakdown of Planet Poofter’s idiocies:

Actually, if you think about it, Planet Poofter’s business model is quite brilliant. It literally comes down to churning through as many members as possible with $10/month memberships, then lets their members stuff their faces with pizza, bagels, and tootsie rolls (i.e. food that makes you fat), then makes them demotivated by the fact that they are not making any gains whatsoever and in many cases are actually getting fatter and less fit, so that they stop going to the gym – but keep paying their monthly membership dues.

It’s a fantastic subscription model. It works very well indeed. And it allows them to paint the insides of their gyms in such a way that it resembles some sort of bizarre acid-soaked fever dream – y’know, a bit like the colour schemes of those horrifyingly bad Joel Schumacher–directed Batman films.

(I hate those almost as much as I hate Planet Princess.)

Real lifters do not go to Planet Fitness because real lifting is not permitted there. If you are genuinely, legitimately strong, their machines are a complete waste of time.

Powerlifters don’t use machines, except for accessory lifts and stretches, and even then not very much. We focus on the Big Three movements: SQUAT, BENCH, and (my personal favourite) DEADLIFT. You don’t need to dick around with stupid machines to get good at these lifts. You just need to lift.

I used to use gym machines a lot. That, on top of my carb-heavy diet at the time, made me fat, slow, tired, and weak. These days, I eat meat, vegetables, fruit, and high-fat dairy, and I use chromed-steel barbells to worship within the altar of pain that is the Holy of Holies, the Church of Iron, the squat rack.

I follow faithfully the Ten Commandments of the Iron God, and receive his mighty blessings of righteousness, power, and good form in the process.

Er… wait a second…

The Ninth Commandment says the following, in black and white:

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy gains by partaking of CrossFit, for it is an unholy abomination in the eyes of the Lord of Iron thy God.

Oh shit…

Mea culpa, Deus, mea exegi culpa.

As it says in the Good Book:

“I have sinned greatly in that I have done this thing. But now, please take away the iniquity of your servant, for I have acted very foolishly.”

I’m going to need some serious prayer-time in the squat rack to wash away that sin. Good thing that leg day is coming up later this week – for the second time. And my legs are still aching from my squats/deadlifts workout from two days ago. This is righteous and good and just.

Back on topic – what happens when real men of manly manliness decide to use Planet Princess to work out?

Well, this does:

And people wonder why real lifters hate Planet Fitness so much… I mean, if they didn’t do shit like this:

… then maybe the rest of us could forgive them for being overly sanctimonious assholes who are laughably hypocritical and extremely biased in having “no critics” and not “judging” people.

Bottom line: if you’re a powerlifter, and you actually know what it takes to be strong and get fit, then Planet Fitness is abominably stupid. They criticise you for being a powerlifter and making everyone else look bad, and they judge you for lifting heavy shit like a beast should.

Speaking of beasts, this is what happens when you attend Planet Princess – or do CrossShit regularly:

I’ll leave you with one simple thought about beast mode, and a very important one:

What’s that you say? It’s an old pic from a previous post?

Man, you guys are a bunch of angry young adenoidal anorak-wearing men…

All right, here you go, then. Those of you who are of a prudish nature might want to turn your eyes away at this point. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Oh, all right, fine, I’ll stop messing with you. Here you go:

(Can confirm from personal experience. Just sayin’.)