President Donaldus Triumphus Magnus condescended to allow delegates from the lesser nations of the Earth to listen to his words of wisdom, badassitude, and all-round general awesomeness a couple of days ago. As is usual whenever this particular POTUS makes a speech, he certainly delivered in terms of entertainment value:
That was, I will admit, a bit of a long speech – though of course not nearly as long-winded as some of those vacuous expulsions of hot air generated by a certain Barack Hussein Odoofuss in the dark and terrible years before the reign of our almighty God-Emperor.
So it might be useful to find a good summary that condenses all of the salient points. Perhaps, as yer very ‘eavy, very ‘umble servant, I should go forth and fin-
Oh, hey, lookee what I findee.
Courtesy of the lovely wife of our beloved and dreaded Supreme Dark Lord (PBUH), here is a handy-dandy little summary of the God-Emperor’s really quite excellent speech:
1. Listen up, bitches
2. I pretty much already covered all this shit last year, but I guess it bears repeating
3. Check it out, I’ve been on a roll
4. My administration is better than all the other presidential administrations the US has ever had. I’ve made these last two years my bitch
5. Why’s everybody laughing at me?
6. Not to brag or anything but I basically saved the entire economy. Even minorities have jobs now.
7. Taxation is theft and we’re building The Wall
8. You thought our military was fucking hardcore before? Sheeet, wait until you see them now that we’re actually paying them
9. Thanks to me, AMERICA, FUCK YEAH!
10. America First
11. Globalism is shit
12. Cultures are distinct, so act your culture
13. America likes to declare independence. We’re gonna declare independence from the rest of you globalist sons of bitches
14. Do you, boo
15. Let us do us
16. So I just got back from a world tour and everybody who matters likes me
17. I even got the Norks to chill the fuck out
18. No shit, there I was: Staring Rocket Man in the face
19. It’s alright though, I smoothed it out
20. Dude’s getting rid of his nukes and giving us back our dead bodies we’ve been wanting back
21. Not too shabby, Li’l Kim. (Don’t fuck this up)
22. Everybody who helped out with that is cool in my book. It was pretty much the greatest peace talk ever talked. Just sayin’
23. Shout out to Real Korea, Japan, and China
24. Oh, and I’m fixing the Middle East, too
25. I put most of the countries there to work fucking over Iran and ISIS
26. They’re spending money to help with Syria and Yemen, too. Ya hear that Iran? We can outspend your fucking Obama money
27. But, I don’t really want to get involved
28. Except when I do, so I’ve been delegating to the less fucked-up sand countries
29. I FUCKING KILLED ISIS!
30. Syria’s a damn shitshow. But so help me, if I see one more chemical weapon attack…
31. Glad to see Jordan is taking in refugees from Syria. Better you than me, Abdullah
32. But seriously, it’s a lot better than flying them all the way over here. RIGHT, EUROPE?
33. Iran’s trying to get away with its involvement? YOU THOUGHT!
34. Fuck you, Iran! I know what you’ve been up to, you garbage-ass regime! All you do is ruin everything else for everyone else, you miserable sons of bitches!
35. Seriously, even your own citizens are sick of your shit, Iran! Where’d all that Obama money go, eh Iran? Terrorism? Yeah, I’m sure your people are just THRILLED about that! 0/10 all around, Iran
36. The Iran Deal was shit, and everybody knows it
37. We basically funded their military dictatorship, nuclear weapons programs, and terrorism. Thanks, Obama
38. -But then I came to tooown- and let Iran know who’s boss. DEAL’S OFF, BITCHES!
39. Like, seriously, who the fuck thought letting Iran have nukes was a good idea?
40. Everybody point and laugh at Iran’s government. Their people are cool, though. #IranProtests
41. Jerusalem? More like Jew-rusalem, amirite?
42. Let’s clear some shit up about the Israel conflict, alright? Israel has a right to exist.
43. Fuck what you used to do, we’re being pragmatic, here.
44. You ain’t gonna take advantage of the US anymore, you freeloaders.
45. I’m sick of all this “made in China” crap
46. We buy all their shit and they don’t buy all of our stuff and they do all that skeezy, nerdy, accountant stuff to take advantage of us
47. No more, I say!
48. So I made some great deals with Mexico and Real Korea. Expect yuge discounts on taco bowls and Samsung phones
49. The WTO is a fucking joke.
50. China took all our manufacturing jobs
51. THAT SHIT ENDS NOW, CHINA!
52. Would you like some tariffs with your rice?
53. America First
54. The UN Human Rights Council is a fucking joke, too
55. Y’all wouldn’t listen to Nikki Haley when she told you that
56. So deuces, we out
57. Same with your International Criminal Court. It’s all bullshit
58. You have no power, here, G̶a̶n̶d̶a̶l̶f̶ ICC
59. Everyone should leave the EU. Run your own damn countries
60. America’s killin’ it in the energy industry
61. We have so much energy to sell
62. Those other oil-producing countries will rip you off and that makes me angry
63. Seriously, it’s a scam. They’re like the Comcast of countries. Stop falling for it.
64. Poland is way smarter than Germany
65. Men of the West! Protect yourselves from foreign influence!
66. The Monroe Doctrine is back and better than ever!
67. Now about those Mexican immigrants, they’re being trafficked. Lame
68. It’s all the street gangs and cartels. Getting rid of them, and building The Wall, are the only ways to fix things
69. Your country, your immigration rules. Our country, our immigration rules. Fuck that “global citizen” malarkey
70. Make Your Countries Great Again
71. SOCIALISM. DOESN’T. WORK.
72. Venezuela used to be great, but then along came socialism. Now it sucks.
73. Socialism and Communism have never worked, never will work, and only ever result in tragedy. It’s the Goddamn worst
74. We’re making Venezuela great again by hitting Maduro and his entourage in the pocket books. We were able to identify their pocketbooks because they’re THE ONLY ONES IN THE COUNTRY WHO HAVE THEM
75. The UN tries, we’ll give you that
76. But the US is still better at charity. Seriously, we give and give and nobody ever returns the favor. So we’re gonna be a lot more stingy with our wallets until the entire world stops taking us for a ride
77. So we’re only going to give money to the cool kids. And we’re not going to protect you guys, either. Time for you to buy your own militaries
78. The UN could be cool if it just changed everything about it
79. And we’re only going to pay for the stuff we like, now, too
80. Start pulling your own weight, you damned freeloaders
81. The UN is good in concept, terrible in execution
82. Every country has something to contribute
83. India’s doing great
84. Saudi Arabia’s shaping up
85. Israel’s still here, bitch!
86. Poland’s had enough of your shit, EU
87. All cool things, if I do say so myself
88. Distinct borders and cultures make the world a better place
89. Things just work out better with cultural homogeneity
90. America’s gotta America
91. America, FUCK YEAH!
92. Love your country like Americans love America
93. Patriotism: It’s what’s for dinner
94. Shhhh. Don’t fight it. Just let it happen
95. In order to make it work though, YOU NEED A BORDER AND SOVEREIGNTY
96. You’ll do better, the world will do better. Everybody wins
97. MOTHAFUCKIN’ FREEDOOOOM!!
98. Well, time to hit the ol’ dusty trail
99. You’ve been a great crowd. Thank you.
Such is the #WINNING!!!ness of the magnificent God-Emperor that even satire fails to make much of an impression.
Honestly, it really was a pretty darn good speech, though it was not without its problems.
First, it is quite obvious that the God-Emperor is not a natural rhetorician – he is, instead, as the good Chateau pointed out some time ago, a natural retortician. His true strength is in the off-the-cuff backhanded compliment and the outright jeering insult – he is extraordinarily skilled with both, and his abilities with both aspects of wit are enough to reduce even his most determined opponents to gibbering wrecks very quickly.
Second, there is no doubt that, for all of Donaldus Triumphus’s excellent statements about how America has no desire to tell anyone else how to live or work or worship, his actual desire is to reassert muscular American authority and dominance over certain countries – such as Iran. Now, unlike some commentators, I have zero sympathy whatsoever for the ayatollahs and less than zero tolerance or patience for Islamic regimes anywhere, so I have no problem with the fact that Donald Trump has called the Iranians what they are. But the fact is that President Trump is caught in a bit of an uncomfortable bind.
His instincts, which are usually solid and correct, tell him to keep America out of “the savage wars of peace” that got America into such trouble in the first place in the Rockpile and the Sandbox. But his advisors, the neocon Republican establishment, and a good chunk of America’s so-called “allies”, all want to play this stupid game of “let’s you and him fight”.
This cannot end well. Everything I am seeing tells me that America is not capable of winning a conventional military conflict against the other global powers – and as Defense Secretary General James “Mad Dog Warrior Monk” Mattis and others have pointed out, America is now having to confront other “great powers”, rather than merely playing Globocop.
Of the enemies or adversaries confronting America today, Iran cannot compete with the USA on military terms in a conventional fight – but can definitely outlast America and her allies. China’s numbers alone make it impossible to defeat with conventional means, especially given how degraded America’s true military capability has become after nearly 20 years of calamitously stupid strategic and tactical decisions and even more catastrophic ideas about “gender equality” and political correctness that has infected the military from the top down.
The neocons and the Left seem determined to take America to war with Russia – but I am here in Moscow right now, and as I observed to a Russian just yesterday, I cannot imagine a more stupid idea than having America go to war with Russia.
As I have stated several times before, the Russians have spent the last 20 years modernising and upgrading their military. They have reduced their numbers to weed out those with “conscript syndrome” where possible, instituted an actual non-commissioned officer corps – thereby finally creating the backbone of any true military that they lacked for so long – and invested heavily and liberally in actually effective military technologies.
The American and Western media loves to focus on the cock-ups that the Russians experience from time to time – such as when their hypersonic missiles fail to fire as expected. They like to claim that Russian military forces suffer from low morale and poor unit quality. And they may well be right, at least up to a point.
But the reality is that the Russians have spent the last two decades investing in highly effective and realistic military technologies – and the Americans, by and large, have not.
Russia has built, or is building, all of the following: the T-14 Armata tank, which likely will give the US M1A3 Abrams designs a real run for their money; the SU-57 air-superiority fighter, which could likely take on America’s F-22 and almost certainly will fly circles around the F-35; various forms of hypersonic missiles designed to make interdiction impossible; next-generation battle armour designed to make soldiers stronger, faster, tougher, and harder to kill; an upgraded Admiral Kuznetsov aircraft carrier; upgraded nuclear submarines; and updated/upgraded Russian strategic and tactical bomber fleets designed specifically to challenge NATO air supremacy.
Meanwhile, Germany has depleted its military so badly that the Bundeswehr have to train with broomsticks instead of real rifles, France’s military is fast becoming something of an international joke, and Britain’s military is being cut to such levels that the Russians could simply swat aside any British troops in their way without much of a fuss.
And as for the American military? Well, despite the God-Emperor’s best efforts, and despite the excellent work of the Lord Commander Militant of the Astra Militarum Gen. Mattis, the US military remains obsessed with boondoggles like the F-35 Joint Strike Flying Piano, alongside past (thankfully defunct) idiocies like the Future Combat System – a triumph of hype and marketing over substance if there ever was one – while insisting on inflicting truly retarded notions like “gender equality” into the ranks.
The US military continues to have its actual fighting capability degraded and destroyed as real warriors exit the ranks, standards for new recruits are lowered in order to allow more women to join, and the logistical and operational capabilities of what used to be the deadliest and most advanced fighting force in the world are weakened nearly to the point of dangerous irrelevance.
All of the above is not an argument for going to war with Russia. As I have stressed repeatedly, war with Russia is the most insane kind of stupid that I can imagine. While Russia and America may never be close allies, or even friends, both nations can at least be on cordial terms while respecting each other’s sovereignty.
The God-Emperor, to his great credit, appears to recognise this, even though – as far as I can recall – he did not mention Russia in his speech. He understands that America is faced with serious challenges to its authority and strength, from China, Russia, and other nations that have absolutely no interest in serving under American hegemony. And, in my view, he is responding to them correctly, by reasserting American strength while respecting the strength of other nations.
I also particularly like the fact that he made it clear that America will cut its contributions to the UN aid budget. I don’t think this goes far enough, though. I would much rather see the God-Emperor take my advice – and simply carpet-bomb Turtle Bay into oblivion.
The natural objection to this, raised by a certain retired ex-Army Lieutenant Colonel and Excruciator Majoris of the Evil Legion of Evil, is that the Permanent 5 members of the UN Security Council, at least, should have a place to meet and talk and hammer out their differences.
My response to this remains the same: sure, but let’s host the conferences in, say, Bermuda, where there is sun and sand and surf and sloots aplenty. I can’t think of anything more conducive to world peace than having a bunch of extremely powerful and wealthy world leaders all meeting in a place with plenty of beaches and babes, which will be sure to keep them relaxed and keep their itchy trigger fingers off the BIG RED BUTTON that controls the nukes.
The God-Emperor is off to a great start. The delegates of other nations may well laugh at him when he claims to have accomplished more in 2 years than almost any other President before him – President Trump is, after all, a shameless self-promoter – but the facts of his accomplishments remain. And while the rest of the world can argue with the effects of those results upon them, they cannot argue with the results themselves.
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