Who says maths is boring?

Sean Carnegie had some intriguing thoughts to contribute to my own write-up about a woman who has banged more than ten thousand men:

For comparison, it’s said that every time an NFL player gets hit (I would assume only being a ball carrier) the force of that hit delivers an equivalent of a car crash. How many car accidents was this chick in if every 10 thrusts or so is the force of being hit by a 250lb linebacker?

Well, it’s been quite a while since I last did some high-school-level Newtonian physics, but you know what they say- it’s never to late to have fun with numbers. Especially when the numbers are this bonkers.

This comment has had me thinking for a good long while- approximately how much impact would a woman who has slept with 10,091 (and counting) men have absorbed in the course of all of her various sexual encounters?

Well, since I have some training in this sort of thing- I may have pointed this out a time or ten before- I figured I might as well knuckle down and crunch some numbers.

Buckle up, boys, this is going to be fun.

(I suppose at this point that I should put in the obligatory spew warning- please don’t read any of this while drinking hot liquids or eating cereal, etc. etc…)

ASSumptions

To start with, we have to make some baseline assumptions about a number of variables.

(Note to the reader: I realise that a lot of this is, to some people, quite boring mathematics. I personally love this sort of noodling around, but people have been telling me for years that I’m kind of weird. Therefore, if you find yourself uninterested in what follows, please skip down to the next section, where you’ll see a picture of Caterina Murino along with the results of the various calculations done herein.)

So, here goes. Let us assume henceforth that:

• Length of the average penis is about 6 inches- that’s 0.1524 metres;
• Furthermore, during penetrative sex, after initial entry, the man is always at least one inch (2.54cm, 0.0254m) deep;
• Height of the average Western male is roughly 5’10”, or 1.77 metres;
• Weight of the average Western male is about 180lbs, which comes to 81.65Kg;
• Number of strokes performed by the man during coitus is 30;
• The average length of each sexual encounter is about 8 minutes, or 480 seconds;
• 60% of all of the encounters in question involved missionary position, 20% involved doggy style, and 20% involved various iterations of “woman on top”;
• The angle of penetration during missionary-style sex is 60 degrees from the horizontal;
• The woman in question, Ms. Montenegro, has had intercourse with every one of her clients an average of twice (2x); I believe this to be a highly conservative estimate, but anyway, we’ll stick with it;

Now, in order to calculate the total force delivered per thrust, we have to make an assumption about how quickly an average man, er, “hits it”. To do this, we have to know three further things:

1. The final velocity at time of impact between the pubic regions of the participants;
2. The time taken to cover the distance involved, which in this case is 5 inches or 0.127 metres;

From these two, we can calculate the acceleration involved in each thrust, and from that we can calculate the force involved.

To know the first, we must use the following equation:

Now, using the above assumptions about the average length of each sexual encounter, along with the number of strokes per encounter, we come up with 16 seconds per stroke. However, this counts both the positive and negative motions involved in each stroke, so we have to divide this by two.

Even then, though, 8 seconds per stroke for acceleration seems, well, a damn long time.

A more appropriate approximate estimate would probably be 2 seconds, to cover 12.7cm worth of distance with a single pelvic thrust.

We are therefore left with a final velocity of 6.35m/s.

Now, we need to calculate acceleration during each thrust. This can readily be computed using another handy (heh) equation:

Since u = 0 (assuming zero forward velocity at the beginning of each hip thrust) and v = 6.35m/s, and t = 2, we are left with 3.175m/s/s.

Brute Force

Not exactly what I had in mind, but you get the idea

Ah, but we’re not done yet. We still have to account for the total force delivered upon impact. Now this usually comes down to Newton’s Second Law:

In this case, that comes down to 81.65Kg * 3.175m/s/s = 259.24N.

Because I’m being rather conservative with my numbers here, I think it’s safe to say that we can actually turn this into a nice round number at 260 Newtons. Per thrust.

And yet, this still isn’t the end of the story.

You see, we also have to account for the positions involved during coitus. If intercourse is taking place at an angle, then we have to calculate both the horizontal and vertical components of the force involved.

Force directed along an angle is easy to calculate. Just refer to this graph:

Sir Isaac Newton is doing cartwheels in his grave right now

The horizontal component of a single thrust is therefore 260 Newtons times the cosine of 60 degrees, or 0.5. The vertical component is 260 Newtons times the sine of 60 degrees, or 0.866.

We therefore have a total vertical force of 225.16N, and a total horizontal force of 130N, for each stroke of a missionary-position encounter.

For doggy-style encounters, let us assume that all 260N of force travels horizontally (which is close enough to the facts).

For “everything else”, we’ll assume that the force travels entirely vertically.

Adding Up

I realise that was rather dry and technical, but it was worth it.

And not just because of her

Now we get to the really hilarious part- the bit where we add everything up.

As stated above, we are assuming that 60% of all encounters were missionary-style.

With 10,091 recorded partners at two bangs per partner, that’s 20,182 total bangs. At 30 strokes per bang, that’s 605,460 total thrusts.

Sixty percent of those were done missionary style, 20% doggy style, and 20% “cowgirl” style. That comes to:

• 78.71 million Newtons delivered horizontally
• 113.28 million Newtons delivered vertically

No kiddin’, buster

For Comparison…

That looks… painful

To give you an idea of how much force Ms. Montenegro has absorbed- by my, admittedly highly naive, calculations- you have to compare these numbers to some baseline figures:

• An F-35 Lightning II jet fighter produces 35,000lb of thrust- that’s 115,688N of force
• A rugby tackle has roughly 1,600 pounds of force- that’s 7,117N
• A gridiron tackle has roughly 4,800 pounds of force- 21,351N

Effectively, Ms. Montegnegro gone through the equivalent of 3,686 tackles by NFL linebackers, who weigh upwards of 100Kg each, by the way, over the course of her time as an escort. And that’s just horizontally.

She’s been hit with 5,305 tackles vertically.

No wonder, then, that she looks so old. As another commentator to my original post put it, she looks like she’s been shaken to pieces. LITERALLY!

I freely admit, by the way, that my numbers might be suspect or that my calculations might be off. By all means, please feel free to do your own number-crunching and post any corrections in the comments below. They should be a hoot to read.

[UPDATE: I did some thinking about the numbers after I published this, and I think it’s somewhat unrealistic to argue that a man’s full mass is involved in any given pelvic thrust. It seems more realistic to me to argue that only about 25% of the average man’s mass would be involved in actually delivering impact force during intercourse. If this is indeed a decent approximation, then one can divide the impact numbers above by 4 to come up with a perhaps more realistic summary of the damage done by an N > 10,000 lifestyle.

Doesn’t change the fact that the numbers are still pretty hilarious, though.]

Taking a Pounding

Badass

I’m told that Bruce Lee once said,

I do not fear the man who has practiced ten thousand kicks once. I fear the man who has practiced one kick ten thousand times.

A similar dictum in this case might well be,

I do not worry about the woman who has banged one man ten thousand times. I worry greatly about the woman who has banged ten thousand men once.

After all, the mathematics are just plain scary.

Well, first they’re hilarious. Then they’re scary.