Gentlemen, let me run a hypothetical situation by you.

You’re out for drinks down at your local pub, when you discover yourself locking eyes with this very attractive “older” woman. (Actually, she’s in her mid-thirties and looks at least ten years older- I’ll get to that in a bit.)

I wasn’t joking about her looks.

You approach, you get the hook in, you start talking, and you find- somewhat to your surprise- that you’re talking to a rather charming lady who genuinely seems interested in what you have to say.

You find out that she’s funny, she’s interesting, she has loads of funny stories to tell about all of the places she’s been, and she seems very “worldly”.

And then when you take her to bed, well, you are delighted to find that she’s a tigress in the sack. She says- or screams- all the right things, she has all the right moves, she knows exactly how to give you what you want.

Oh, and eventually it is revealed that she’s a fully licensed commercial pilot, so she gets access to a lot of interesting travel perks.

So you start thinking that she might be good relationship material. Maybe even good wife material, someday.

Then, you discover that she banged more than TEN THOUSAND MEN. And was paid to do it. And now Hollywood has come knocking to tell her life story on the big screen:

After sleeping with 10,091 men over 12 years in a drug and alcohol induced haze, former escort Gwyneth Montenegro is finally ready to settle down and experience true love for the first time. 

The 36-year-old [Didact: Thirty-six? Did anyone from the Daily Mail look at their own pictures of Ms. Montenegro?] received an astounding 80 marriage proposals after the last time the Melbourne resident spoke to Daily Mail Australia in July about the launch of her book, 10,000 Men and Counting. 

The overwhelming response to the insight into her former seedy lifestyle got Gwyneth thinking that maybe she was ready to meet a good man – something she never felt comfortable doing when being paid $500 to $1000 an hour to have sex with well-known lawyers, politicians and musicians. 

‘It awoke something within me when the article was published – not that I’m in a rush to be married,’ she said. 

‘There were some working in the industry who were dating people and married but for me personally I didn’t find it appropriate.’ 

‘I found it easier to avoid relationships during my time in the industry. The two just don’t mix. I tried it once, it was an utter disaster.’ 

Since leaving her old life behind three years ago, Ms Montenegro wears many hats as a commercial pilot, an NLP Master Practitioner and, of course, now an author. 

‘I was a little over men at that point in time of my life and found my businesses infinitely more stimulating,’ she said. 

But Gwyneth is now ready and raring to give the dating game a go. 

‘My parents didn’t get married until their late 30s and they have been married for 33 years,’ she said. 

Despite growing up in a contrast world being raised by devout Christians, her parents are her number one supporters. 

‘Mum joked that she thought I would have had enough of men by now,’ she laughed. 

Ms Montenegro said the years of men paying her for sex gave her a good insight into what men want from a woman. 

‘Clients would confide in me about the good and bad parts of their relationship,’ she said. 

‘I feel I have a deeper understanding of men than ever before.’ 

Writing the book was a therapeutic experience that helped Gwyneth to discover her true self and become comfortable with it – as she describes herself as the ‘girl next door’. 

‘I’m fairly introverted and conservative,’ she said. ‘I’m the last person my friends ever expected to have lived that kind of life.’ 

Gwyneth fell into the escort world after she was gang-raped during a night-out at a club at just 18 years-old when her low self-esteem and lust for money led her to table top dancing before heading into sex work. 

After dabbling in the online dating game and deciding it wasn’t for her, she believes that relationships should evolve organically. 

‘I believe in the energy I put out there I will get back,’ she explains.

Gwyneth has only ever been in two relationships before that lasted about a year. 

‘I’m contemplating it, I’d love to. I’ve never really experienced what you’d consider true love or what it’s like to be totally in love.’ 

She is now a woman who well and truly knows what she is looking for.

‘I can be a handful, I am headstrong and determined. I like a man who is calmly confident, in charge, but not bombastically so,’ she said. 

‘I’ve spent a lifetime looking after my body and I respect that in any potential partner. 

‘He certainly doesn’t have to be a model or a muscle bound fireman, I’d give preference to a fun personality any day.’ 

There are many interesting aspects to this story. So many, in fact, that it’s difficult to know where to start.

So let’s start with the obvious one: the fact that this lady has slept with 10,091 men (according to her own count). Now, by any stretch of anyone’s imagination, that’s a hell of a lot of cock.

The closest male equivalent I can think of (who isn’t a porn star) is Gene Simmons, who claims to have slept with well over 4,000 women in his rock & roll career, managed that feat over the course of a 40-year career in the industry, and he did so while enjoying the fruits of a very good open relationship with Shannon Tweed.

Because I’m an evil bastard who happens to have some skill with mathematics, I think it might be useful to do some right now, if only to put into perspective just what a monumental feat she accomplished.

Let’s use Good Ol’ Badd Popp’s baseline numbers to run through (heh) the maths.

Popp uses the following calculations, and I see no good reason to use anything different:

• Average length of the, er, male organ: 6 inches (rough estimate)
• Average ejaculate volume: 3mL
• Average strokes per encounter: 30

I should make it clear that these are really quite conservative estimates. Change the estimates, and the results simply get… well, worse, actually.

Let us further assume, very conservatively indeed, that each male client that Ms. Montenegro was paid to sleep with, paid for the pleasure of her company twice on average. (This is really extremely conservative, I’m trying to be as careful as I can to balance out all of the assumptions here.)

So, let’s put all of these numbers into a spreadsheet and see what happens. One warning: don’t have any hot beverages nearby when you read what follows. (I’m absolutely serious about this. I will not be held responsible for any damage to property caused by spontaneous rage-vomiting or incredulous expulsion of hot beverages onto computer screens.)

I’m going to use the metric system to do the numbers, simply because it makes a damn sight more sense than the ridiculous American insistence on the Imperial system.

OK, ready? Here goes:

6 inches * 2.52 * 10,091 * 2 * 30 / 1,000 = 4,577.28Km of dick in 12 years, or 381Km a year

3mL * 10,091 * 2 / 1,000 = 60.55L of semen in 12 years, or 5.05L a year

In miles and gallons, respectively, that’s 2,860.80 and 15.93.

ALL OF IT GOING THROUGH THE SAME WOMAN.

Her insides probably look a lot like this.

Kind of puts things into perspective, doesn’t it?

In particular, let’s look at the 5.05L/year figure. That’s equivalent to the contents of 6.73 standard wine bottles.

Take out 7 wine bottles. Drink one decent-sized glass of wine from one of them. Then look at what you’ve got left.

That is how much semen- conservatively speaking– this one woman has been in contact with EVERY YEAR over her career as a male plaything.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that I love mucking about with numbers. I do it for a living, it’s a lot of fun, and I’m trained to do it well.

But looking at these specific numbers, you know what I feel?

Pity.

And not just for Ms. Montenegro herself. She probably would reject the notion of being deserving of pity, but I suspect that deep down, before she was gang-raped and tried to escape the hell that she had entered through drugs and sex, she was just like most other young women, looking forward to a life full of promise and happiness.

But now, just like every other woman with a high N, she is irreparably damaged. Looking at her pictures, you can see that she has aged terribly.

I know a few women in their mid-thirties; none of them look like they’re in their early fifties.

Ms. Montenegro does.

And then there are the 80-some men who have proposed marriage to her since her story first broke several months ago. These are the thirstiest of Beta males. Unlike me, they didn’t do the maths. They didn’t think through the realities of settling down with a woman like that- just ask any man who’s ever married a porn actress. They don’t realise that when you marry a woman with such an insanely high N, in her mid-thirties and looking like she’s ten or twenty years older, you’re simply asking for trouble. The probability that she will be faithful to you, that she will bear your children, that she will be a good wife and mother, and that she will have real domestic qualities, are…

Well, put it this way- you know the American quip about “a snowflake’s chance in Hell”?

Compared to what I just described above, that snowflake’s odds are so good that you might as well bet on it to win the Ascot Derby.

So yes, have a good laugh at the sheer absurdity of what is being proposed here. As usual, the Daily Mail is attempting to elevate the tawdry and the foolish as an example of feminine grace and strength in the face of adversity- and manages to fall completely flat on its face, again, as usual.

But also, spare a thought for the incredible, and irreversible, damage that Ms. Montenegro and others like her have suffered. This is not what women were meant to become. This is not how we as a society should view them- as disposable objects, as playthings, as mere instruments for pleasure. And this is not what young women today should ever aspire to be.