HA! Well, what would likely happen after about ten minutes into the guitar lesson would probably get me brought up on charges.

One can hardly mistake a man who's been through such things. His character walks ahead of him. Maybe one day, I'll live up to the same statement about myself. One day, perhaps.

Funny you should mention Keanu Reeves. The man's expression stays the same through pretty much every movie he's ever done, but it turns out that he is one of the most fundamentally decent and humble men around. And his life has seen far more tragedy than a man has any right to endure. Such things tend to shape a man's character.

Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber come across as pathetic children by comparison.

After I'm done doing what you suggest, I would think about sending them to you for guitar lessons- except that this would violate your human rights under the Geneva Convention's protections against cruel and unusual punishments…

Only if you're supplying copious amounts of free eye-bleach, buddy.

And yes, having bags of money definitely appears to have an open-sesame effect on women's legs. Or, as Winston Churchill once astutely pointed out:

Churchill: "Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?"
Socialite: "My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course… "
Churchill: "Would you sleep with me for five pounds?"
Socialite: "Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!"
Churchill: "Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price."

Bloom seems to see himself as an ACT-TOR, Philistine!

Go beat them both, deadlift them and give them a maths lesson, would you?