Just another day at my gym…

If you’re a regular at any given Church of the Iron God, and you actually know how to lift, then part of your time is unfortunately always going to be spent watching people who don’t know how to lift making complete fools of themselves. It’s fascinating to watch them, in a horrible way; they provide a spectacle, to be sure, but you often find yourself fantasising about using the nearest barbell as a cudgel on them because they’re so irritating.

And for some reason, today was apparently the day for every gym idiot in my neighbourhood to make an appearance.

As a tribute to the glorious tradition created by Bronan the Barbarian and Unleash the Beef, let us examine a few of the more irritating characters that we are likely to encounter in the gym:

• Smith machine squatters: When I come to power, SMITH MACHINES WILL BE BANNED. They are the single most dangerous piece of equipment in any gym, ever. And it’s not just because they give you a false sense of security- it’s because every time you see someone doing squats or bicep curls in them, you feel like going on a killing spree. This is of course before you get to the pencil-necked balding guy with the gut and the gym gloves who does what he thinks are 275lb squats to barely half-depth. With his woman as a spotter. Don’t ever do ANY of this at the gym. An angel dies every time you do.

Knee joint destroyed in 3… 2… 1…

• Humping the reverse leg press: Normally I could not care less what some numbnuts wants to do with a leg press machine. Such machines do not exist as far as powerlifters are concerned. However, when you see the kind of balls-out stupidity that I saw today, you simply can’t ignore it. Today I literally saw a guy who, instead of lying down back-first and chest-up on the machine, the way THE INSTRUCTIONS TELL YOU TO, decided to get into it on his stomach and then proceeded to do the most bizarre exercise I’ve seen in years. It looked something like this, actually, except vastly stupider:

The idiocy level is over 9000!

• Smith machine deadlifts: I never thought I would live long enough to see this. Sadly, I did see it today. My life is far poorer as a result.
• Bench press pretenders: Half-reppers are the bane of the gym. If you half-rep on a squat or at the bench, in my personal opinion you should be introduced to the pavement outside via a football tackle and some broken teeth. Now I’ll be the very first to admit that my bench press sucks wind compared to my other lifts- I can barely bench 215lbs, on a really good day. But, I bench with a full range of motion, all the way down to the chest and all the way back up, and I don’t half-rep anymore. So when I see some skinny guy with a pornstache and face-fuzz bend his arms less than 90 degrees with 185lbs for reps, pretending that he’s making gains, all I can say to that is: “eat s*** and die”.

Please dear Lord, end my misery… Never let me have to witness this again…

• Horseshoe-back deadlift guy: Who can barely deadlift 135lbs. WITH GODDAMN GYM GLOVES.

Why? WHY?! WHYYYYY?!?!?

• Ugly chicks with flat asses: Regular feature of any gym, I know. But why do women have this irrational fear of lifting heavy stuff properly? I just don’t get it. You simply aren’t going to make gains in the gym by doing half-assed push-ups and lifting dinky little pink dumbbells.

Enough said

• Ugly fat chicks in tank tops: Please just stop this. I’m already feeling under the weather. Watching your cottage-cheese arms and cleavage wobble in a white tank top while you “circuit train” is going to force nothing other than my gag reflex.
• Ugly fat chicks doing circuit training: Speaking of abominable stupidity…

Welcome to the lowest circle of Hell.

• Ugly fat chicks, full freakin’ stop: In three years of going to this gym, I have seen precisely three girls who might qualify as “hot” if the light is right and they’re dressed properly. Otherwise, though, it’s about as attractive as a field full of cows.

Amen.

Meanwhile, if you actually want to make real gains instead of being a giant vagina, this may help: